New Year, Same Tired
Photo by Moritz Knöringer on Unsplash
Every year I make a small video that I send to those who impacted my life over the last 12 months. It’s a way for me to look back at the highlights of the year and always remind myself to be thankful. I have some truly amazing friends who are all super talented, kind, and inspirational. They are all so wonderful, and I spend a lot of effort trying to be as incredible as they are. I like to think that sometimes when I try my hardest on a good day, I am worthy of them.
I want to do the same thing this year; I really do. However, the reality is I don’t have the energy. I try so hard to be a good person, but I don’t know if I can keep going. Maybe I’m just jaded; maybe I’m not good enough to be the great person I strive to be.
Everything has been tiring. The intense “iOS vs Android” discourse (who cares, it’s literally just a phone), the former World’s Richest Man buying a social media site and slowly burning it to the ground, people who don’t think a pandemic that has killed roughly 7 million people worldwide exists; honestly I want to cocoon up and spend the next 365 days in hibernation.
Reflecting on 2022
It’s difficult to look back; there have been some of the lowest of lows. In January, I lost my granddad. I missed seeing him for the first time in 3 years by TWO days (thanks, covid). I was honestly devastated. I knew it wasn't something I could control and wasn't my fault, but that didn't hurt any less.
I’ve spent a lot of time working on it, and I have fully forgiven myself. To accept that sometimes life is just shit and that there’s nothing else I could have done. With all of the information available to me at the time, I’d always have booked that same flight and missed seeing him one last time.
That’s not to say that there weren’t highlights too. I could meet up with some friends I hadn’t seen in years both at Twitch London and for my birthday. People who helped me recharge my mental battery.
I got the chance to travel a load; I went to Miami for the Formula 1 and had a mini road trip to Amsterdam with some family. I went to parts of England I’ve never actually visited before (easier than you’d think, I need to visit way more).
I bought a hilariously massive cookie with a really bad joke on it, dyed my beard blonde for the bants, donated blood, got to see Georgia beat Wales in Cardiff, and had the most incredible day out to Castle Combe with my housemates.
But none of those highs can get over the fact that I have been mentally exhausted. I have just been tired. Of everything. All of the time.
Maybe I just feel guilty.
The truth is, I know that I’m in a fortunate situation. Sure I personally have been struggling a little financially (being a student and all), but I know I have the support of my parents should I need anything.
A few months ago, I started hitting the gym and eating better. I’ve dropped a shirt size and a jean size. I’m the best I have been physically in years, and keep improving. But I also know that whilst having the outward appearance of making progress, mentally, I’m worse than I have been in years.
I often say that loving someone isn't about wanting them to be with you because that's selfish. It's wanting them to be as happy as possibl, and accepting that there's always a chance they'll be happier with someone else or doing something else. But I still want to be selfish sometimes. I want to be able to say “fuck it” and have a tantrum, doing whatever is the right thing for me.
I know I should be happy with the friends I have around me, and I truly am grateful that they’re in my life. I do my best to be a good person because of them, but that doesn’t stop me from feeling entirely unworthy of them. Feeling like one day, they’ll all turn around and realise I don’t belong.
Maybe the reason I try to bring happiness to those around me isn’t some selfless act. Maybe it isn’t me holding on tight to all the pain and making sure no one else has to feel it. Maybe it’s the guilt of knowing I should be happier, that I should be feeling better, and that I should be doing more.
Maybe the reason I feel guiltiest of all is that I know lots of people out there are much less fortunate than me. I don’t need a pity party, and I know that the reality is that I’ll get through whatever funk I’m currently in. It’s a whole new year, though, and I’m feeling the exact same tiredness I have done for so long now.